Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
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APOLOGISE NOW!!!
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married