If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
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Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
good work, detective
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
Only a mother’s love …
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.