Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
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Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
just leave it at the foot of the bed
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.