Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
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Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
life finds a way
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*