I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
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H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
🤣
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90Me: Nailed it.
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse