If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
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I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
Me: I鈥檓 sorry, but I don鈥檛 think I鈥檒l ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won鈥檛 say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
Don鈥檛 let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I鈥檓 pretty sure that鈥檚 when my arms got flabby.
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
Halloween cuteness.. 馃巸
馃帴 IG: mr.smokey21
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn鈥檛 lived it down.
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it鈥檚 that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won鈥檛 care as long as they鈥檙e doing it quietly.
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here鈥檚 how to spread them
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade庐 air freshener scent.
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he鈥檚 been contracted to kill me.
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.