For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
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In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
You’re the water to my grease fire.
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
My beach vacation Google searches
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.