Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
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You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.