If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
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me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist