T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
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Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.