It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
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“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
Not messing around
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
What a chick magnet..
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son