PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
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I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.