Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
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This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
This line from Airplane.
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
it be like that
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .