I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
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Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.