If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
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Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
🤣🤣🤣
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*