If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
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I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.