[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
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under no circumstances will my brother take the L
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes