I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
You Might Also Like
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
Best seat on the street 😍
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out