I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
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When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.