As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
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Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes