*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
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long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
My background check bounced.