Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
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THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now