Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
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I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.