Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
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*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”