Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
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“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.