You Might Also Like
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
i now pronounce you bounced.
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
Investing in beetcoin
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.