[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
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If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today