A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
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“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
me
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
(more comics:
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem