If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
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Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
Wake me when AI does housework
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.