I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
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*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
S M O L
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*