“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
You Might Also Like
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
this is how life feels
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.