If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
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George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*