Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
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I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.