A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
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Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.