When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
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IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
*struts into the new year
~ trips
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.