My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
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I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
Would you wear it?
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
When your man makes a valid point
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
That was easy.
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?