It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
You Might Also Like
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
When I laugh on my period
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.