The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
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[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.