(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
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“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??