Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
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😏😏😏
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.