I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
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“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all