booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
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No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
Employees must applaud the planets.
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.