A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
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It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*