If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
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N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???