My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
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Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano