Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
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I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.