*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
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It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk