Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
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Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
This January has 47 Mondays
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
They did not think through this water fountain
The Sun
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
accurate
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.