Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
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Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.