I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
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i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”